Will We Ever Truly Know?

It is with a heavy heart and great sadness that I write today.

A woman I know, a mother, a wife, a successful business owner, and a beautiful and loving soul has gone to the other side.  Mental illness.  Suicide.

We were not close, in fact I barely knew her, but my heart aches so much that I feel sick to my stomach.

My heart aches for those who suffer from mental illness, and for those who are close to someone who suffers from mental illness.

The truth is, mental illness is so widespread among people in our society, but yet we seem to know next to nothing about it.  I am happy to see that more and more is coming out in social media about it, and that there is more acceptance; however, the information out there is so hard to come by.

As someone who has a mental illness, I can tell you that for years I felt “crazy”.  It did not help that in high school I could hear people say “she is crazy” about myself, and others as well.  In their defense, this is how I was perceived because to be quite honest, this is how I seemed to be!  We are ignorant, but this is not our fault.  It is difficult to change peoples mind set when society is so uneducated on the matter.

I hear it all the time as an educator; “too many kids are on medication now a days”, “our food is making kids crazy”, “vaccinations are causing mental illness”, “boys will be boys”, “it’s just a stage”, and so on and so forth.  I am not here to put people down for saying these things, rather, I want to bring a different perspective to the matter.  Medication is NOT always the answer, however, in certain situations it is EXTREMELY helpful and as someone who has benefited to it, it can literally save someones life.  Also, I do not see it as too many kids are being labelled these days and so on…I see it as more awareness is being brought to the attention of medical professionals about mental illness, and this is why we are seeing more children getting the help that most of them need.  This is a good thing is it not?  I would have loved to have gotten help as a child…but there was simply not enough awareness out there at the time.

There are so many ways that someone can get help, but awareness and acceptance needs to happen.  We need to continue sharing our stories with others.  What has helped you?  How did you know you were suffering from a mental illness?  How do you know if someone else is suffering?  How can you get help?  What can you do when someone needs help but isn’t getting it?  There are so many unanswered questions still!

My wish is that we never stop trying to find answers.  That we great each other with love, kindness, and acceptance; rather than judgement.

My heart breaks.

Please, lets work together to find some answers and to help others in the process.

 

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Lost Minds

Mental illness, it is something I know oh too well.  Suffering from anxiety myself, working at a school with children who often cannot control their emotions in a positive way, and having close family members who have untreated mental illness weighs on my mind and heart each and every day.

To say that my sister’s mental illness does not anger me would be a lie.  The fact that she is unwilling to see, or take responsibility for, her actions frustrates me.

I will not allow her to continue hurting me like this.  The anger and the emotional abuse has got to stop.  I do understand that it is her mental illness and not who she truly is.  This is what has kept me in her life and wanting to help for years.  However, I now have my own two girls and a husband who I love and care for very much.  I simply cannot do it anymore.  I am mentally and physically exhausted.

I have tried again and again to speak this truth to her.  The words go unheard.  The blame is put back on to me….or another family…or anyone but herself.

I cannot continue to speak my truth to deaf ears.

I can no longer enable this “bad behaviour”.  She needs to seek out help herself.  I cannot save her.  I cannot help her.  I love her, but it is time to let go.  It’s time to take care of myself and my family.  This hurts, but I feel that I have done all I can at this point.  I need to stop feeling like it is my responsibility to help her and make her better.  This is not my responsibility.  Let it go, let it be, and just breathe.

Living in Love

As I sat and meditated this morning I was brought to tears.  The message was about healing yourself and loving yourself first.

I have been so hard on myself lately.  I try to take on everything and it leaves me feeling empty inside.  I have this deep feeling of sadness that wells up inside of me, but I do not have an understanding of where it is coming from and why it is there.

What do I want out of life?

What steps do I need to take to get where I want to be?

The answer is within me, I just need to continue to listen to my true self.

 

Dear Mom, I miss you

Dear Mom,

I feel so angry that you are gone.  It has been 17 years and it never gets any easier.

 

I am sorry.  I am sorry that you had no one to confide in other than dad, that you stayed st home day in and day out, and that your children were your life leaving no time for yourself.  I am sorry that it took me becoming a mom to realize just how much you sacrificed for your family.  I wish I knew.  I wish I got to know you more.  I wish that I wasn’t in the awkward and hormonal teenage years when you died.

Not having a mom around is hard.  Being a mom without a mom is hard.  I resent those who try to help because they are not you.

I am angry.  It is not fair.  Why were you taken away from me.

I miss you.  I love you.  This is so hard.

Love always

 

I’m back…

I just need to write.  To purge my feelings and let it all go.

I found that writing freely to an unknown audience was  empowering, and it allowed me to talk things through, and to get a better sense of my true self.

I am currently on maternity leave with my second child.  My anxiety is getting better but I still have days where negative thoughts overcome me.

Today it is that thought of losing my children.  Where does this fear come from?  Is it because I lost my mother at 16?  Is it my anxiety of the unknown?

Sometimes my love for them scares me.  It is a love that is unlike any other.  The thought of anything happening makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Why can I not just shut these feelings out and move on?

I close my eyes, breathe deeply and feel myself in the moment.  I can hear the calm breathing of my children on the intercoms.  I can feel myself becoming more calm, and more at peace.

This is what life is about.  Be in the moment!  Breathe in all that life has to offer.  Just be.

Air Energy

I picked up a book called “Sacred Pregnancy” and thought I would give the journaling activities a try.  For my first exercise I am to talk about the thoughts that keep me up at night with regard to becoming a mother and giving birth.  I will be honest and let it all out.  I will accept and release these thoughts.

I am afraid of hospitals and unnecessary medical involvement.  I want to have control over my body and the birth but I do accept that sometimes interventions are needed.  I will trust that my doula and midwife will guide me through this.

Losing a child is a huge fear of mine.  The thought of this makes me sick to my stomach.

Not having my mom here.  I miss her so much and wish that she was here to help me with my baby and to offer her support.  I have friends and other family, but it is just not the same…not even close.

Losing friends.  I have some friends who are supportive and I know that they will accept me as a mother and not judge.  Other friends, I am very unsure of.  One in particular is also pregnant and I do not want motherhood to be a competition.  This is not my nature and I will become very offended if this friend acts in this way.

Becoming unattractive.  It sounds very silly, I know, but it worries me to have my body change to a state where my husband is no longer attracted to me sexually.  He is in no way a shallow person, but still feeling sexy and confident is something that I do not want to lose.  Too many people tell me that nothing will EVER be the same.  I truly hope that they are wrong.

Not having a life.  Pretty much every person who is a friend and a parent makes me feel like I will not have a life at all.  Sure, I may not be a mother yet, however, I think that changing your life completely is a choice.  I know life will change.  I am not saying that it won’t.  However, I also know that I have a lot of support and that I will continue doing the things that I love too.  I wish others would just let me figure it out for myself.

Judgements and unwelcome advice and opinions.  I have the friends who are so supportive and I know that they will not do this to me, however, I do have friends and family that will constantly comment on my parenting style whether I ask for it or not.  I want to raise my child in a way that makes my husband and I happy.  Advice from others, even though deep inside is for a reason of wanting to help, can become very irritating and unwelcomed.  

Unwanted visitors constantly coming to see the baby.  I am one who really likes to be social but more so on my own terms.  There are times when I just want to be with my husband and no one else, not because I am selfish, but because I like that time to just be.  I am afraid that with a baby, I will not get that time to be with just my husband and child, I feel like family will be visiting constantly whether they are invited or not.   I love them and want a visit….just not all the time!

Failure.  I fear failing as a parent.  I will do the best I can, I know that is all I can do.

These are just some of the concerns that take up space in my mind as I lay awake at night.  I accept and I let go.